I am Afraid

Brendan Chew

I am afraid

Afraid of being unwanted, forgotten like an object lost under the bed

I am afraid

Afraid to be left alone, for the thoughts I have may overcome me and place bad things within my head

I am afraid

That no matter how hard I try my friends will end up leaving me

I am afraid

And I know it's the anxiety talking but that doesn't prevent my walking through this hell I call my mind

I am afraid

That I'm lying to myself about my bettering mental health, that maybe I only see what I want to see

I am afraid

That I'm leaving out the facts, that my anxiety holds me back from doing the things I really want to do

I am afraid

And for so long I let that fear take hold that now that fear has grown and manifested itself in the deep recesses of my mind taking hold of everything nice and twisting it til it is bent and broken out of shape

I am afraid

That those I love don't love me and are only here to use me for their own personal gain, logically I know that's false, but I can't hear my logic within these walls my mind puts up

I need to break them down somehow, but a fist does nothing against the brick that I let myself stick up

I am afraid

That no matter how hard I try I'll never be enough to those around me, that the me they see as me isn’t who I really am

I am afraid

That I am a chameleon fitting others’ expectations never really being me

I am afraid

That I will never be satisfied within my own life because everything in my head screams at me constantly

I am afraid

That one day my anxiety will come and overwhelm me and I will end up pushing them away

I am afraid

But fear is part of life right so why is there a knife fight between my heart and my brain?

I am afraid

But I have been for my entire life, I only really thought to survive, if you knew my past then you’d know why

I am afraid

That subconsciously my toxicity is an attempt to get them to go away because I feel I deserve to be alone

I am afraid

But I hold out hope that one day I’ll master my anxiety because I'm the determiner of my own fate

I am afraid

But that’s okay because that’s life, one day my brain will stop and put down the knife it wields against my heart and my heart and brain will come to terms with that which they both should already know

I am afraid

But as long as I have someone by my side, I know I’ll be safe

I am afraid

And that's okay

Because fear is a part of life like anger, sadness, and the likes

I am afraid

And that's okay

Because in the end I determine my own destiny

I’ll be okay

As long as I am motivated by the thought that I can do better

I'll be okay

As long I keep my head screwed on straight

I'll be okay

As long as I can make myself proud and stop myself from being my own enemy

I'll be okay

Because I know deep down in my heart what life I want and what's waiting for me

I'll be okay

And you will too if you read this or listen deep down you know it’s true, life has its ups and downs but I know that you can turn it around, easier said than done but in the end you'll make sure the battle is won by you and you alone

Brendan Chew is eighteen years old and attends Braden River High School.